This is as real as I get.

4.30.07

Things have not gotten any better with him. Things are getting Progressively worse. This past weekend Saturday he got shit faced and called me a slut. Then he spent the next 20 minutes trying to justify why he came to the conclusion that I was a slut. Then he passed out and pissed in my bed. Lovely. Every time it happens it gets worse and worse.

I have become an enabler. An addict turned enabler. How in the fuck did that happen?

I believe that my suspicions have been confirmed and he does in fact have a drinking problem. He is a pretty good guy sober. Not near as romantic and attentive as I would like.

We argue about his lack of passion and he blames it on the fact that I expect it. Wow. You tell someone what you want and they get mad at you for telling them. Sounds like an excuse to me.

Then he drinks, and for the first bit of it he is ok. Very sweet and loving. Then the more he drinks the more he gets nasty and every time it happens it hurts so much.

I have put this wall up around myself and am isolating myself from a lot of things right now. I am clearing my head and sorting thru this mess of emotions that I have running thru me.

Is this me really being emotionally mature or is this my addictive thinking convincing myself to pull back socially? I don’t know the real answer to that question. I just know that it feels better to take some time to get down to the bottom of my thoughts without distracting myself with the routines of a Monday.

So I have soul searched, I have pondered and moped and ate everything that wasn’t nailed down. I have sat on the couch watching girl TV in my pajamas since I got off work, feigned light conversations with my roommate, her boyfriend and my random phone calls. And I have thought.

I know that I cannot change him. I will never be able to fix him. I can’t stop him from being ugly and mean and passion LESS. I can’t stop his disrespect and I can’t make him care about himself enough to stop drinking. I can’t win his battle with his addiction. Especially if I am the only one fighting the battle.

But I can free myself. I can walk away. And I will hurt. I will miss the companionship of a constant face. I will miss the good times. I will miss the sweet tender kisses when he was in he mood to bestow it upon me. But I will not miss the tears, I will not miss the hurt and I will not miss the anger.

Hallucinations

Last night was not an easy one.
The hallucinations left me undone.

But as I lay in bed with you
My mind abandoned the fear I drew.

You let me in to your memories.
And took me away from my disease.

You spoke of rain and other places.
Distant lands and brand new faces.

I listened and pictured them in my mind.
I knew at that moment I would be just fine.

You may not understand where I go.
But you bring me back from below.

That is something we will never connect.
But you tell me you are here to protect.

I can;t help you see what's in my head.
So I talk and listen to you instead.

It makes it easier just to know
Despite what I am, we can grow.

You knew what I was before we ever met.
I had to tell you, that I don't regret.

Seems crazy and even still we began
I see you are strong enough to be my man.

It Was Great

I'm no longer begging for your attention
Seems like these days that just causes tension

I feel like a puppy just tagging along
Maybe this isn't where I belong

I know what I need to make my heart happy.
And it doesn't have to be mushy or sappy.

I just can't deal with feeling ignored
I guess I have accepted that you have grown bored

I felt something real and that is still there.
So why do you seem to be so unaware?

I know you see it your certainly not dumb
You know exactly where I'm coming from.

It's ok to be lazy if I just let it slide.
But I can't do it anymore believe me i've tried

Just Call Me Linus

All my life I have gone thru it numb. Inside I felt like a puzzle piece that was lost. Always feeling like there was something that made me different from everyone else that I surrounded myself with.

I stifled this feeling with a blanket. A blanket that I have up until recently let go of.

I have come to realize this world is a scary, stressful, hateful place. I have never had to work so hard to find beautiful things since I gave up my blanket. It's depressing. Everyday.

It seems like life is in fast forward and I am in slow motion. I am grasping for the things that make me happy and that I consider beautiful, but they move by me so fast that I only get them for a few seconds before they slip out of my hold.

I miss my blanket. It was safe. It was a shield from reality I suppose. As unhealthy as that is. I miss it. Everyday.

I recently found a group of people that I seem to fit in with. For the first time in forever. I fit somewhere. I may not like all of them. I may not agree with what they have to say 100% of the time. But some of them, a few key people, have affected me tremendously. They show me their beautiful things and how they learned to appreciate life without their blankets. They said it was hard and they have been where I am. That one day I will be where they are.

Some of the people I look at and wonder how they had the courage to let go. What in the world inspired them to be free of their blanket and see the world for what it really was? They tell me that I will be there too. I just have to keep fitting in with them.

This world without my blanket, for lack of better words, sucks. It's cold, cruel and ugly. The beautiful things and moments are so sporadic that I find myself constantly questioning the worth.

I have always considered myself an optimistic person. Finding the silver lining in every cloud. But I can feel myself at a rapidly increasing rate, moving to the pessimistic side.

I guess without my blanket I have been reduced to a selfish, needy naïve person who never socially grew up, while the world grew up around me. I got left behind. I entered into your world, wide eyed and amazed. Childlike. It didn't take long for that to be violated. So no I am a bit bitter.

Most of my friends say that they couldn't understand how I could have been such a happy person with all the things that have happened in my lifetime. I am not saying my sob story is any sadder then the next persons. But despite abuse, rape and other things I managed to maintain a positive outlook, because I had my blanket.

Now granted because of the above referenced violations I did develop quirky little habits like my severe dislike for even numbers, my obsession with straight lines and spotless carpets. If you pin my arms down in a playful wrestling match I will flip out and cry and just don't touch my armpits. Sometimes when I get really upset or uncomfortable I count my fingers and yes I will admit I touch corners too. OCD MUCH. I know I know it's weird. But despite those I still managed to be a positive person, easily trusting everyone. I had my blanket.

Without it I see people for who they really are most times. But I still want to be that positive person that easily trusts everyone.

Just call me Linus. I miss my blanket!

Dont Ask the Question

If you don't want to know the truth, don't ask the question.
You can spare yourself, that's my suggestion.

It may not turn out the way you need.
The answer could hurt that hunger you feed.

So only if you're sure you really want to know.
Then you may ask & down that road we will go.

My life hasn't been a picture of perfection
So please tread lightly at my discretion.

I know sometimes you really want to know
This seems a great way for "us" to grow.

But I am not the same girl I was before
I used to be so different then who you adore.

My mistakes, lies, deceits, and crimes
Should stay buried within this head of mine.

I promise you won't like what you hear
You may lose respect, that's what I fear.

So let it alone and love the girl that is me.
And let me forget who I used to be.

Lifes A Stage

Life is a stage.

Your life is unscripted to a degree. This is no dress rehearsal. This is the main event.

The people in your life are the characters in your play. Some have big parts, some have leading roles for a time, some have small parts while others have no speaking parts or play a mere tree.

I have had so many different characters in my play thus far.

There were villains, saints, angels and normal people. I had a few significant ones. I am sure we all do.

There was The Caretaker. The one that let me be irresponsible for a few acts in my play. I was allowed to be a child in this adult world for a bit and acted irrationally and with great immaturity. I never had to grow up. I was cleverly disguised as a responsible adult and always had someone taking care of me so I didn't have to actually put for any effort to function.

There was The Juvenile. The one that checked my reality so hard that I felt like I had been literally slapped in the face. I was no longer being taken care of, I had become the caretaker. This character was so irresponsible in their own right that I was forced to become the responsible one in the part. It sucked. I do admit that. That character is no longer in my play, however the lesson I learned was that growing up and handling my business was far greater a life to live then letting someone take care of me.

There was The Crazy One. The one that took great part in my lost faith for love and trust. The one that was not happy in my play unless the drama was on high. The one that granted, never a moment was dull, but never a moment was happy. I learned from that one that my judgment is so off when my heart is involved that I should be a logical decision maker. However being right brained that will never happen.

There was The Sane One. The one that was so not crazy that I simply began to think I was crazy. It was by far the most boring act I had ever been in. But it taught me a few things about myself that I had to change. Such as causing trouble strictly because I was bored. Causing jealousy when there is no need and so on and so forth.

There was The Best Friend. This role has been taken on many times by many different characters. However she has always been the leading lady. She is there for me no matter what. No one will ever come between us and she makes no bones about it. Her part in my play will not come to an end until my curtain closes.

Then there is The One. This role, like the role of best friend, has been attempted many times. However it has never properly been executed. The one is simply that. The one that makes you forget the times you were hurt before, you may still be cautious but you want it with all you have. You want to risk it to see what the next act will bring.

For now my play is simply on intermission. The bell has sounded and the lights drew up.

I am the director. I say what goes. I believe its time for a recast. I am unhappy with some of the characters. I know that the acts of my life will bring great experiences and wonderfully bittersweet lessons to learn. But I know that some of these characters cannot accompany me to the next acts. It's sad but it's the truth and no matter what. The truth shall set you free.

So go get your refreshments and take your smoke breaks. The next act is about to begin.

Hurt

It's hard sometimes to hide these crying eyes.
But I do it. This will lead to my demise.

My heart hurts some days, more often then most.
I make it thru the days like somewhat of a ghost.

Can you see me, I am really here?
Or is it my reality that I just disappear.

This feeling has hold of my throat silently gasping.
And my happiness is what I am desperately grasping.

I smell the smoke from the fire I can't extinguish.
And there is a difference I can no longer distinguish.

I can't pick myself up with this baggage anymore.
It's far too heavy for me to endure.

My strength would amaze any man who could see.
If you knew all my stories then you would agree.

I can't hold on to something that is pulling away.
So letting go would free me today.

I want so many things and I know they are waiting.
A path was so foreign now is translating.

You will be astounded what will become of me.
I am the girl under all this debris.

My fences are coming down I am ready to break and run.
The damage that's caused cannot be undone.