4.30.07
Things have not gotten any better with him. Things are getting Progressively worse. This past weekend Saturday he got shit faced and called me a slut. Then he spent the next 20 minutes trying to justify why he came to the conclusion that I was a slut. Then he passed out and pissed in my bed. Lovely. Every time it happens it gets worse and worse.
I have become an enabler. An addict turned enabler. How in the fuck did that happen?
I believe that my suspicions have been confirmed and he does in fact have a drinking problem. He is a pretty good guy sober. Not near as romantic and attentive as I would like.
We argue about his lack of passion and he blames it on the fact that I expect it. Wow. You tell someone what you want and they get mad at you for telling them. Sounds like an excuse to me.
Then he drinks, and for the first bit of it he is ok. Very sweet and loving. Then the more he drinks the more he gets nasty and every time it happens it hurts so much.
I have put this wall up around myself and am isolating myself from a lot of things right now. I am clearing my head and sorting thru this mess of emotions that I have running thru me.
Is this me really being emotionally mature or is this my addictive thinking convincing myself to pull back socially? I don’t know the real answer to that question. I just know that it feels better to take some time to get down to the bottom of my thoughts without distracting myself with the routines of a Monday.
So I have soul searched, I have pondered and moped and ate everything that wasn’t nailed down. I have sat on the couch watching girl TV in my pajamas since I got off work, feigned light conversations with my roommate, her boyfriend and my random phone calls. And I have thought.
I know that I cannot change him. I will never be able to fix him. I can’t stop him from being ugly and mean and passion LESS. I can’t stop his disrespect and I can’t make him care about himself enough to stop drinking. I can’t win his battle with his addiction. Especially if I am the only one fighting the battle.
But I can free myself. I can walk away. And I will hurt. I will miss the companionship of a constant face. I will miss the good times. I will miss the sweet tender kisses when he was in he mood to bestow it upon me. But I will not miss the tears, I will not miss the hurt and I will not miss the anger.
Monday, April 30, 2007
Hallucinations
Last night was not an easy one.
The hallucinations left me undone.
But as I lay in bed with you
My mind abandoned the fear I drew.
You let me in to your memories.
And took me away from my disease.
You spoke of rain and other places.
Distant lands and brand new faces.
I listened and pictured them in my mind.
I knew at that moment I would be just fine.
You may not understand where I go.
But you bring me back from below.
That is something we will never connect.
But you tell me you are here to protect.
I can;t help you see what's in my head.
So I talk and listen to you instead.
It makes it easier just to know
Despite what I am, we can grow.
You knew what I was before we ever met.
I had to tell you, that I don't regret.
Seems crazy and even still we began
I see you are strong enough to be my man.
The hallucinations left me undone.
But as I lay in bed with you
My mind abandoned the fear I drew.
You let me in to your memories.
And took me away from my disease.
You spoke of rain and other places.
Distant lands and brand new faces.
I listened and pictured them in my mind.
I knew at that moment I would be just fine.
You may not understand where I go.
But you bring me back from below.
That is something we will never connect.
But you tell me you are here to protect.
I can;t help you see what's in my head.
So I talk and listen to you instead.
It makes it easier just to know
Despite what I am, we can grow.
You knew what I was before we ever met.
I had to tell you, that I don't regret.
Seems crazy and even still we began
I see you are strong enough to be my man.
It Was Great
I'm no longer begging for your attention
Seems like these days that just causes tension
I feel like a puppy just tagging along
Maybe this isn't where I belong
I know what I need to make my heart happy.
And it doesn't have to be mushy or sappy.
I just can't deal with feeling ignored
I guess I have accepted that you have grown bored
I felt something real and that is still there.
So why do you seem to be so unaware?
I know you see it your certainly not dumb
You know exactly where I'm coming from.
It's ok to be lazy if I just let it slide.
But I can't do it anymore believe me i've tried
Seems like these days that just causes tension
I feel like a puppy just tagging along
Maybe this isn't where I belong
I know what I need to make my heart happy.
And it doesn't have to be mushy or sappy.
I just can't deal with feeling ignored
I guess I have accepted that you have grown bored
I felt something real and that is still there.
So why do you seem to be so unaware?
I know you see it your certainly not dumb
You know exactly where I'm coming from.
It's ok to be lazy if I just let it slide.
But I can't do it anymore believe me i've tried
Just Call Me Linus
All my life I have gone thru it numb. Inside I felt like a puzzle piece that was lost. Always feeling like there was something that made me different from everyone else that I surrounded myself with.
I stifled this feeling with a blanket. A blanket that I have up until recently let go of.
I have come to realize this world is a scary, stressful, hateful place. I have never had to work so hard to find beautiful things since I gave up my blanket. It's depressing. Everyday.
It seems like life is in fast forward and I am in slow motion. I am grasping for the things that make me happy and that I consider beautiful, but they move by me so fast that I only get them for a few seconds before they slip out of my hold.
I miss my blanket. It was safe. It was a shield from reality I suppose. As unhealthy as that is. I miss it. Everyday.
I recently found a group of people that I seem to fit in with. For the first time in forever. I fit somewhere. I may not like all of them. I may not agree with what they have to say 100% of the time. But some of them, a few key people, have affected me tremendously. They show me their beautiful things and how they learned to appreciate life without their blankets. They said it was hard and they have been where I am. That one day I will be where they are.
Some of the people I look at and wonder how they had the courage to let go. What in the world inspired them to be free of their blanket and see the world for what it really was? They tell me that I will be there too. I just have to keep fitting in with them.
This world without my blanket, for lack of better words, sucks. It's cold, cruel and ugly. The beautiful things and moments are so sporadic that I find myself constantly questioning the worth.
I have always considered myself an optimistic person. Finding the silver lining in every cloud. But I can feel myself at a rapidly increasing rate, moving to the pessimistic side.
I guess without my blanket I have been reduced to a selfish, needy naïve person who never socially grew up, while the world grew up around me. I got left behind. I entered into your world, wide eyed and amazed. Childlike. It didn't take long for that to be violated. So no I am a bit bitter.
Most of my friends say that they couldn't understand how I could have been such a happy person with all the things that have happened in my lifetime. I am not saying my sob story is any sadder then the next persons. But despite abuse, rape and other things I managed to maintain a positive outlook, because I had my blanket.
Now granted because of the above referenced violations I did develop quirky little habits like my severe dislike for even numbers, my obsession with straight lines and spotless carpets. If you pin my arms down in a playful wrestling match I will flip out and cry and just don't touch my armpits. Sometimes when I get really upset or uncomfortable I count my fingers and yes I will admit I touch corners too. OCD MUCH. I know I know it's weird. But despite those I still managed to be a positive person, easily trusting everyone. I had my blanket.
Without it I see people for who they really are most times. But I still want to be that positive person that easily trusts everyone.
Just call me Linus. I miss my blanket!
I stifled this feeling with a blanket. A blanket that I have up until recently let go of.
I have come to realize this world is a scary, stressful, hateful place. I have never had to work so hard to find beautiful things since I gave up my blanket. It's depressing. Everyday.
It seems like life is in fast forward and I am in slow motion. I am grasping for the things that make me happy and that I consider beautiful, but they move by me so fast that I only get them for a few seconds before they slip out of my hold.
I miss my blanket. It was safe. It was a shield from reality I suppose. As unhealthy as that is. I miss it. Everyday.
I recently found a group of people that I seem to fit in with. For the first time in forever. I fit somewhere. I may not like all of them. I may not agree with what they have to say 100% of the time. But some of them, a few key people, have affected me tremendously. They show me their beautiful things and how they learned to appreciate life without their blankets. They said it was hard and they have been where I am. That one day I will be where they are.
Some of the people I look at and wonder how they had the courage to let go. What in the world inspired them to be free of their blanket and see the world for what it really was? They tell me that I will be there too. I just have to keep fitting in with them.
This world without my blanket, for lack of better words, sucks. It's cold, cruel and ugly. The beautiful things and moments are so sporadic that I find myself constantly questioning the worth.
I have always considered myself an optimistic person. Finding the silver lining in every cloud. But I can feel myself at a rapidly increasing rate, moving to the pessimistic side.
I guess without my blanket I have been reduced to a selfish, needy naïve person who never socially grew up, while the world grew up around me. I got left behind. I entered into your world, wide eyed and amazed. Childlike. It didn't take long for that to be violated. So no I am a bit bitter.
Most of my friends say that they couldn't understand how I could have been such a happy person with all the things that have happened in my lifetime. I am not saying my sob story is any sadder then the next persons. But despite abuse, rape and other things I managed to maintain a positive outlook, because I had my blanket.
Now granted because of the above referenced violations I did develop quirky little habits like my severe dislike for even numbers, my obsession with straight lines and spotless carpets. If you pin my arms down in a playful wrestling match I will flip out and cry and just don't touch my armpits. Sometimes when I get really upset or uncomfortable I count my fingers and yes I will admit I touch corners too. OCD MUCH. I know I know it's weird. But despite those I still managed to be a positive person, easily trusting everyone. I had my blanket.
Without it I see people for who they really are most times. But I still want to be that positive person that easily trusts everyone.
Just call me Linus. I miss my blanket!
Dont Ask the Question
If you don't want to know the truth, don't ask the question.
You can spare yourself, that's my suggestion.
It may not turn out the way you need.
The answer could hurt that hunger you feed.
So only if you're sure you really want to know.
Then you may ask & down that road we will go.
My life hasn't been a picture of perfection
So please tread lightly at my discretion.
I know sometimes you really want to know
This seems a great way for "us" to grow.
But I am not the same girl I was before
I used to be so different then who you adore.
My mistakes, lies, deceits, and crimes
Should stay buried within this head of mine.
I promise you won't like what you hear
You may lose respect, that's what I fear.
So let it alone and love the girl that is me.
And let me forget who I used to be.
You can spare yourself, that's my suggestion.
It may not turn out the way you need.
The answer could hurt that hunger you feed.
So only if you're sure you really want to know.
Then you may ask & down that road we will go.
My life hasn't been a picture of perfection
So please tread lightly at my discretion.
I know sometimes you really want to know
This seems a great way for "us" to grow.
But I am not the same girl I was before
I used to be so different then who you adore.
My mistakes, lies, deceits, and crimes
Should stay buried within this head of mine.
I promise you won't like what you hear
You may lose respect, that's what I fear.
So let it alone and love the girl that is me.
And let me forget who I used to be.
Lifes A Stage
Life is a stage.
Your life is unscripted to a degree. This is no dress rehearsal. This is the main event.
The people in your life are the characters in your play. Some have big parts, some have leading roles for a time, some have small parts while others have no speaking parts or play a mere tree.
I have had so many different characters in my play thus far.
There were villains, saints, angels and normal people. I had a few significant ones. I am sure we all do.
There was The Caretaker. The one that let me be irresponsible for a few acts in my play. I was allowed to be a child in this adult world for a bit and acted irrationally and with great immaturity. I never had to grow up. I was cleverly disguised as a responsible adult and always had someone taking care of me so I didn't have to actually put for any effort to function.
There was The Juvenile. The one that checked my reality so hard that I felt like I had been literally slapped in the face. I was no longer being taken care of, I had become the caretaker. This character was so irresponsible in their own right that I was forced to become the responsible one in the part. It sucked. I do admit that. That character is no longer in my play, however the lesson I learned was that growing up and handling my business was far greater a life to live then letting someone take care of me.
There was The Crazy One. The one that took great part in my lost faith for love and trust. The one that was not happy in my play unless the drama was on high. The one that granted, never a moment was dull, but never a moment was happy. I learned from that one that my judgment is so off when my heart is involved that I should be a logical decision maker. However being right brained that will never happen.
There was The Sane One. The one that was so not crazy that I simply began to think I was crazy. It was by far the most boring act I had ever been in. But it taught me a few things about myself that I had to change. Such as causing trouble strictly because I was bored. Causing jealousy when there is no need and so on and so forth.
There was The Best Friend. This role has been taken on many times by many different characters. However she has always been the leading lady. She is there for me no matter what. No one will ever come between us and she makes no bones about it. Her part in my play will not come to an end until my curtain closes.
Then there is The One. This role, like the role of best friend, has been attempted many times. However it has never properly been executed. The one is simply that. The one that makes you forget the times you were hurt before, you may still be cautious but you want it with all you have. You want to risk it to see what the next act will bring.
For now my play is simply on intermission. The bell has sounded and the lights drew up.
I am the director. I say what goes. I believe its time for a recast. I am unhappy with some of the characters. I know that the acts of my life will bring great experiences and wonderfully bittersweet lessons to learn. But I know that some of these characters cannot accompany me to the next acts. It's sad but it's the truth and no matter what. The truth shall set you free.
So go get your refreshments and take your smoke breaks. The next act is about to begin.
Your life is unscripted to a degree. This is no dress rehearsal. This is the main event.
The people in your life are the characters in your play. Some have big parts, some have leading roles for a time, some have small parts while others have no speaking parts or play a mere tree.
I have had so many different characters in my play thus far.
There were villains, saints, angels and normal people. I had a few significant ones. I am sure we all do.
There was The Caretaker. The one that let me be irresponsible for a few acts in my play. I was allowed to be a child in this adult world for a bit and acted irrationally and with great immaturity. I never had to grow up. I was cleverly disguised as a responsible adult and always had someone taking care of me so I didn't have to actually put for any effort to function.
There was The Juvenile. The one that checked my reality so hard that I felt like I had been literally slapped in the face. I was no longer being taken care of, I had become the caretaker. This character was so irresponsible in their own right that I was forced to become the responsible one in the part. It sucked. I do admit that. That character is no longer in my play, however the lesson I learned was that growing up and handling my business was far greater a life to live then letting someone take care of me.
There was The Crazy One. The one that took great part in my lost faith for love and trust. The one that was not happy in my play unless the drama was on high. The one that granted, never a moment was dull, but never a moment was happy. I learned from that one that my judgment is so off when my heart is involved that I should be a logical decision maker. However being right brained that will never happen.
There was The Sane One. The one that was so not crazy that I simply began to think I was crazy. It was by far the most boring act I had ever been in. But it taught me a few things about myself that I had to change. Such as causing trouble strictly because I was bored. Causing jealousy when there is no need and so on and so forth.
There was The Best Friend. This role has been taken on many times by many different characters. However she has always been the leading lady. She is there for me no matter what. No one will ever come between us and she makes no bones about it. Her part in my play will not come to an end until my curtain closes.
Then there is The One. This role, like the role of best friend, has been attempted many times. However it has never properly been executed. The one is simply that. The one that makes you forget the times you were hurt before, you may still be cautious but you want it with all you have. You want to risk it to see what the next act will bring.
For now my play is simply on intermission. The bell has sounded and the lights drew up.
I am the director. I say what goes. I believe its time for a recast. I am unhappy with some of the characters. I know that the acts of my life will bring great experiences and wonderfully bittersweet lessons to learn. But I know that some of these characters cannot accompany me to the next acts. It's sad but it's the truth and no matter what. The truth shall set you free.
So go get your refreshments and take your smoke breaks. The next act is about to begin.
Hurt
It's hard sometimes to hide these crying eyes.
But I do it. This will lead to my demise.
My heart hurts some days, more often then most.
I make it thru the days like somewhat of a ghost.
Can you see me, I am really here?
Or is it my reality that I just disappear.
This feeling has hold of my throat silently gasping.
And my happiness is what I am desperately grasping.
I smell the smoke from the fire I can't extinguish.
And there is a difference I can no longer distinguish.
I can't pick myself up with this baggage anymore.
It's far too heavy for me to endure.
My strength would amaze any man who could see.
If you knew all my stories then you would agree.
I can't hold on to something that is pulling away.
So letting go would free me today.
I want so many things and I know they are waiting.
A path was so foreign now is translating.
You will be astounded what will become of me.
I am the girl under all this debris.
My fences are coming down I am ready to break and run.
The damage that's caused cannot be undone.
But I do it. This will lead to my demise.
My heart hurts some days, more often then most.
I make it thru the days like somewhat of a ghost.
Can you see me, I am really here?
Or is it my reality that I just disappear.
This feeling has hold of my throat silently gasping.
And my happiness is what I am desperately grasping.
I smell the smoke from the fire I can't extinguish.
And there is a difference I can no longer distinguish.
I can't pick myself up with this baggage anymore.
It's far too heavy for me to endure.
My strength would amaze any man who could see.
If you knew all my stories then you would agree.
I can't hold on to something that is pulling away.
So letting go would free me today.
I want so many things and I know they are waiting.
A path was so foreign now is translating.
You will be astounded what will become of me.
I am the girl under all this debris.
My fences are coming down I am ready to break and run.
The damage that's caused cannot be undone.
In To Me
You reach for me as I am slipping further into this abyss I call my pain.
I feel there is no longer anything for me to gain.
Separating myself from those who love me and those who claim they do.
But this is consequently something I always knew.
I am no longer reaching out. Grasping outstretched hands.
As hard as I have tried – no one understands.
Seems as though the ones I grasp for were mere illusions.
Something I imagined – some psychotic delusions.
Must have been my diseased mind playing tricks on me once more.
But that's my fault for believing it would be different then before.
My mind closes down and I fall away.
Will you even notice if I was missing for a day?
I close off. Pull in. Withdraw into myself for good.
Maybe this small glimpse of me will be understood
I feel there is no longer anything for me to gain.
Separating myself from those who love me and those who claim they do.
But this is consequently something I always knew.
I am no longer reaching out. Grasping outstretched hands.
As hard as I have tried – no one understands.
Seems as though the ones I grasp for were mere illusions.
Something I imagined – some psychotic delusions.
Must have been my diseased mind playing tricks on me once more.
But that's my fault for believing it would be different then before.
My mind closes down and I fall away.
Will you even notice if I was missing for a day?
I close off. Pull in. Withdraw into myself for good.
Maybe this small glimpse of me will be understood
Comfortable Hell
You are faithful. Always there. I can hear you knocking on my door. The pounding in the back of my heart echoes in my head. Panic sets in. My thoughts get lost in the promises you made to me. Swimming in my head constantly with no sign of stopping.
When will this feeling go away? When do I get you out of my head? How much longer can I stand alone and be strong? When do I hate you? When does my soul stop hurting?
I know I can throw myself down that mountain. Right into the hell only you can give me. Comfortable hell.
I cant answer the door. But I know your there. You will always be there. Waiting for me.
You are hard to forget. Hard to turn away from. You remind of the way we were. You tell me you can help. No one loves me like you do, you say. You tell me you know I am scared and alone, life without you isnt better.
But there I sit with my back to you. And yet you still knock on my door. Sometimes you are quiet. Silently tapping. But other times I can hear you screaming let me in. I cant.
I cant let you in. I cant let you take me down. Down into that comfortable hell that only you and I know.
You are so very toxic for me. You are not my friend. There is no love. You make me hate myself. You make me hate everyone else.
So I have to be strong, keep my back to you. I will not go into that comfortable hell. Not today. I will be strong. I wont answer the door.
When will this feeling go away? When do I get you out of my head? How much longer can I stand alone and be strong? When do I hate you? When does my soul stop hurting?
I know I can throw myself down that mountain. Right into the hell only you can give me. Comfortable hell.
I cant answer the door. But I know your there. You will always be there. Waiting for me.
You are hard to forget. Hard to turn away from. You remind of the way we were. You tell me you can help. No one loves me like you do, you say. You tell me you know I am scared and alone, life without you isnt better.
But there I sit with my back to you. And yet you still knock on my door. Sometimes you are quiet. Silently tapping. But other times I can hear you screaming let me in. I cant.
I cant let you in. I cant let you take me down. Down into that comfortable hell that only you and I know.
You are so very toxic for me. You are not my friend. There is no love. You make me hate myself. You make me hate everyone else.
So I have to be strong, keep my back to you. I will not go into that comfortable hell. Not today. I will be strong. I wont answer the door.
Wedding Vows
Wedding Vows.
Minister: (Groom) will you take (Bride) to be your lawful wife, will you love her, honor and keep her in sickness and in health and forsaking all others keep only unto her so long as you both shall live.
Response: I will.
I (Groom) take you, (Bride) to be my lawful wife, to have and to hold from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer for poorer, in sickness and in health while we both shall live.
Minister: (Bride) will you take (Groom) to be your lawful husband, will you love him, honor and keep him in sickness and in health and forsaking all others keep only unto him so long as you both shall live.
Response: I will.
I (Bride) take you, (Groom) to be my lawful husband, to have and to hold from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer for poorer, in sickness and in health while we both shall live.
These are the vows you say in front of God, Family and Friends. But does anyone ever really listen to them? OR did you stand up there and just regurgitate the words laid out before you like a mindless sheep?
You said them. But did you mean them? Love always first and foremost. Honor no matter what, no disrespect. Keep them in sickness and in health, in their weakest moments and enjoy their triumphs. Forsaking all others put no one before them. Until the day you die.
It is so hard to do what those vows tell us we should be doing. It is hard not to disrespect someone who has hurt you so badly. We are human. But disrespect is not something anyone deserves. How can you look at the person you love the most in this world and call them names, like they have no feelings? How do you degrade someone that you once wrapped your arms around and excitedly proclaimed this is my wife/husband? How do you go from being so in love to sitting on your bathroom floor crying every night? Silently. Alone. How did you get to that point?
It is hard to keep them in sickness. Everyone with an ounce of brain cells knows that this doesnt mean holding the vomit bucket during a bout with the stomach virus. Sickness. The sickness within all of us. The weak parts of us that slowly change from mere parts to full blown monsters. How did you get to the point where turning your back on someone you love was ok? Because youre scared? Because they will destroy you too? Because you dont know how to face a demon that is not your own? Because you dont understand it? Or do you even try to? All your life you are taught to save yourself. Look out for number one. Dont let anyone take you down. Is that what you are applying to your marriage?
Then we get to that last part. Forsaking ALL others. Does this include yourself? Do you forsake yourself for the sake of your marriage? For your vows? Do you make the ultimate sacrifice and put them first. Before you? Before your needs? Because if so, then it makes the sickness part easier, and the disrespect wouldnt exist.
Maybe someone should rewrite these vows. To say what it is you really do. Someone should have something real to say in front of God, Family and Friends. Something like
I promise to only be there for you if your there for me first.
I promise only to love you if you do things for me.
I promise to stand by your side unless it gets to hard.
I promise to be faithful, unless someone else makes me feel better about myself then you do.
I promise to help you battle any demons, unless it happens more then once.
I promise to stand by your side in your sickness, unless it gets to hard for me.
I promise to honor you for a little while.
I promise to stay with you for richer and only richer.
I promise not to call you names, unless you piss me off.
I promise never to scream at you unless i am drunk.
I promise to keep your heart sacred until I am bored with it.
I promise to maintain your trust, until you find out what I have been doing behind your back.
I promise to talk to you, unless I am to busy watching TV.
These are my promises, these are my vows.
If these are what the vows were really. Nobody would get married.
Minister: (Groom) will you take (Bride) to be your lawful wife, will you love her, honor and keep her in sickness and in health and forsaking all others keep only unto her so long as you both shall live.
Response: I will.
I (Groom) take you, (Bride) to be my lawful wife, to have and to hold from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer for poorer, in sickness and in health while we both shall live.
Minister: (Bride) will you take (Groom) to be your lawful husband, will you love him, honor and keep him in sickness and in health and forsaking all others keep only unto him so long as you both shall live.
Response: I will.
I (Bride) take you, (Groom) to be my lawful husband, to have and to hold from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer for poorer, in sickness and in health while we both shall live.
These are the vows you say in front of God, Family and Friends. But does anyone ever really listen to them? OR did you stand up there and just regurgitate the words laid out before you like a mindless sheep?
You said them. But did you mean them? Love always first and foremost. Honor no matter what, no disrespect. Keep them in sickness and in health, in their weakest moments and enjoy their triumphs. Forsaking all others put no one before them. Until the day you die.
It is so hard to do what those vows tell us we should be doing. It is hard not to disrespect someone who has hurt you so badly. We are human. But disrespect is not something anyone deserves. How can you look at the person you love the most in this world and call them names, like they have no feelings? How do you degrade someone that you once wrapped your arms around and excitedly proclaimed this is my wife/husband? How do you go from being so in love to sitting on your bathroom floor crying every night? Silently. Alone. How did you get to that point?
It is hard to keep them in sickness. Everyone with an ounce of brain cells knows that this doesnt mean holding the vomit bucket during a bout with the stomach virus. Sickness. The sickness within all of us. The weak parts of us that slowly change from mere parts to full blown monsters. How did you get to the point where turning your back on someone you love was ok? Because youre scared? Because they will destroy you too? Because you dont know how to face a demon that is not your own? Because you dont understand it? Or do you even try to? All your life you are taught to save yourself. Look out for number one. Dont let anyone take you down. Is that what you are applying to your marriage?
Then we get to that last part. Forsaking ALL others. Does this include yourself? Do you forsake yourself for the sake of your marriage? For your vows? Do you make the ultimate sacrifice and put them first. Before you? Before your needs? Because if so, then it makes the sickness part easier, and the disrespect wouldnt exist.
Maybe someone should rewrite these vows. To say what it is you really do. Someone should have something real to say in front of God, Family and Friends. Something like
I promise to only be there for you if your there for me first.
I promise only to love you if you do things for me.
I promise to stand by your side unless it gets to hard.
I promise to be faithful, unless someone else makes me feel better about myself then you do.
I promise to help you battle any demons, unless it happens more then once.
I promise to stand by your side in your sickness, unless it gets to hard for me.
I promise to honor you for a little while.
I promise to stay with you for richer and only richer.
I promise not to call you names, unless you piss me off.
I promise never to scream at you unless i am drunk.
I promise to keep your heart sacred until I am bored with it.
I promise to maintain your trust, until you find out what I have been doing behind your back.
I promise to talk to you, unless I am to busy watching TV.
These are my promises, these are my vows.
If these are what the vows were really. Nobody would get married.
I met someone today
I met someone today. She was a woman yet so much like a child. She was so eccentric, almost strange. She was new yet oddly familiar.
I talked to her for a while.
I asked her what its like to be who she is. I asked her why she didnt care what others thought of her. She said she just didnt, she had enough faith in herself to believe that others opinions didnt matter.
I asked her what it was like to be free of plight and guilt. She replied that she just let all that go. That life was too short to dwell on things that were so insignificant that in the long term made no difference.
I asked her what it was like to be in love. She said it was wonderful and warm. That being with that special person was the perfect compliment to her wonderful life.
I asked her why she smiled all the time. She said because she was happy. Truly, deeply happy. And when youre that happy. Smiling is automatic, uncontrollable.
We sat there in silence for a long time.
Then she asked me, why do you care what others think of you. I replied thats how I define my self-worth. She said let me fix that for you.
She asked me why I felt sad and guilty. I told her that I let the little things get to me. I blame myself for other peoples problems. She said let me fix that for you.
Then she asked me about love. I told her that is such a complicated subject. I told her I wanted to be so open but I stay so closed. She smiled at me and said let me fix that for you.
She gave me her smile and said for me to hang on to this. That I needed it today and she always had more. She told me no matter what anyone else said I was beautiful and thats the truth. She told me that when other people behave certain ways its not my fault. Each person has control over their own actions. I cannot control anyone else and no one else can control me. She told me to just let go. Focus on the things I can control. Me. Then she said as far as love goes, that I already knew. She told me that my concerns were valid, my worries normal. But that if my feelings are hurt to speak up. Because if someone hurts you, they wont know unless you tell them.
I met someone today. She was a woman yet so much like a child. She was so eccentric, almost strange. She was new yet oddly familiar. I watched her in the mirror as she stared back at me. She said its time to trade places.
I talked to her for a while.
I asked her what its like to be who she is. I asked her why she didnt care what others thought of her. She said she just didnt, she had enough faith in herself to believe that others opinions didnt matter.
I asked her what it was like to be free of plight and guilt. She replied that she just let all that go. That life was too short to dwell on things that were so insignificant that in the long term made no difference.
I asked her what it was like to be in love. She said it was wonderful and warm. That being with that special person was the perfect compliment to her wonderful life.
I asked her why she smiled all the time. She said because she was happy. Truly, deeply happy. And when youre that happy. Smiling is automatic, uncontrollable.
We sat there in silence for a long time.
Then she asked me, why do you care what others think of you. I replied thats how I define my self-worth. She said let me fix that for you.
She asked me why I felt sad and guilty. I told her that I let the little things get to me. I blame myself for other peoples problems. She said let me fix that for you.
Then she asked me about love. I told her that is such a complicated subject. I told her I wanted to be so open but I stay so closed. She smiled at me and said let me fix that for you.
She gave me her smile and said for me to hang on to this. That I needed it today and she always had more. She told me no matter what anyone else said I was beautiful and thats the truth. She told me that when other people behave certain ways its not my fault. Each person has control over their own actions. I cannot control anyone else and no one else can control me. She told me to just let go. Focus on the things I can control. Me. Then she said as far as love goes, that I already knew. She told me that my concerns were valid, my worries normal. But that if my feelings are hurt to speak up. Because if someone hurts you, they wont know unless you tell them.
I met someone today. She was a woman yet so much like a child. She was so eccentric, almost strange. She was new yet oddly familiar. I watched her in the mirror as she stared back at me. She said its time to trade places.
Dreams
Last night the nightmares that filled my head were so real.
I had a dream I was betrayed in the worst ways possible, then I gave up.
I couldnt figure out who it was that hurt me the most. The one who betrayed me, the one who walked away or the one who beat me and left me for dead. But even still it all hurt very much.
There is a lot to be said about dreams and their meanings. Some have hidden meanings and some are just so apparent that it doesnt take a genius.
My dream last night had all the elements of a Hollywood blockbuster and is obviously a direct reflection of my fears. Being betrayed by my best friend, being left behind by the one I care for, and being physically beaten by the one I left behind. Not exactly a revelation on my part. But it was disturbing just the same.
The Betrayal
The betrayal came from someone very close to me. And reflective of real life it hurt. But there was amends made and promises to make it right and make it better. Yet sometimes, like everyone who has had there trust broken, I cant help but wonder if it will stick.
The Heartbreak
I was left behind by someone I really care about. The reason was that this person refused to deal with the situation at hand any longer. I have analyzed this part of my dream to absolute death. Is it being alone that I fear or is it something else? I came to the conclusion that nobody wants to walk alone in this world. But to settle for a mediocre partner is cheating oneself and the other person out of something great. I dont fear being alone. I am ok with that. Even at peace in a lot of ways. But I do fear that as much as I want things to work, due to the circumstances. He will walk away.
The Violence
Now for obvious reasons, those who know me know that this is a valid fear of mine. In my dream I was beaten senseless. Some would say that isnt possible, but I digress. I was violently beaten and left for dead by the one that I have escaped from. I cannot ever deny that the fear of that person does not exist inside me in reality. There is a fear and sometimes with fear there is power.
I honestly think that the point my subconscious was trying to get me to in this dream had nothing to do with the 3 people involved. But had everything to do with the fact that in the end, I gave up. I just laid there and waited to die. Why would anyone just give up? I had forces against me. Things did not go in my favor, and I just rolled over and gave up.
Well I guess we could call that my dress rehearsal. Its time for the show in this play we call life. And the script has been rewritten!
I had a dream I was betrayed in the worst ways possible, then I gave up.
I couldnt figure out who it was that hurt me the most. The one who betrayed me, the one who walked away or the one who beat me and left me for dead. But even still it all hurt very much.
There is a lot to be said about dreams and their meanings. Some have hidden meanings and some are just so apparent that it doesnt take a genius.
My dream last night had all the elements of a Hollywood blockbuster and is obviously a direct reflection of my fears. Being betrayed by my best friend, being left behind by the one I care for, and being physically beaten by the one I left behind. Not exactly a revelation on my part. But it was disturbing just the same.
The Betrayal
The betrayal came from someone very close to me. And reflective of real life it hurt. But there was amends made and promises to make it right and make it better. Yet sometimes, like everyone who has had there trust broken, I cant help but wonder if it will stick.
The Heartbreak
I was left behind by someone I really care about. The reason was that this person refused to deal with the situation at hand any longer. I have analyzed this part of my dream to absolute death. Is it being alone that I fear or is it something else? I came to the conclusion that nobody wants to walk alone in this world. But to settle for a mediocre partner is cheating oneself and the other person out of something great. I dont fear being alone. I am ok with that. Even at peace in a lot of ways. But I do fear that as much as I want things to work, due to the circumstances. He will walk away.
The Violence
Now for obvious reasons, those who know me know that this is a valid fear of mine. In my dream I was beaten senseless. Some would say that isnt possible, but I digress. I was violently beaten and left for dead by the one that I have escaped from. I cannot ever deny that the fear of that person does not exist inside me in reality. There is a fear and sometimes with fear there is power.
I honestly think that the point my subconscious was trying to get me to in this dream had nothing to do with the 3 people involved. But had everything to do with the fact that in the end, I gave up. I just laid there and waited to die. Why would anyone just give up? I had forces against me. Things did not go in my favor, and I just rolled over and gave up.
Well I guess we could call that my dress rehearsal. Its time for the show in this play we call life. And the script has been rewritten!
The Sadist
Most people fear the Sadist and look down upon the Masochist. To them, those who do not understand, the Sadist is the evil. The Sadist is after all the one commands the power. The Sadist does get great pleasure from causing pain. They smile and enjoy the looks of fear from their Masochist. The torture and sometimes small amounts of blood bring them great joy. Screams of hurt are music to their ears and if they find a good masochist they will find this. But a good masochist is hard to find.
The relationship between them is that trust. The Masochist must trust the Sadist not to go to far. It is a delicate balance and this is where ordinary people get confused. See they judge the Masochist and cannot understand whey a lack of power is what they need. But in reality the Masochist is the one with all the power. The Masochist tells the Sadist how far to go. So when the torture begins the Masochist can be totally free. Without these boundaries all would be lost.
The Sadist always wish for that freedom. They trick themselves into thinking they are the free and careless ones and having the control is having the power. But its not. They just want freedom too. SO never pity the Masochist. They should be envied.
The relationship between them is that trust. The Masochist must trust the Sadist not to go to far. It is a delicate balance and this is where ordinary people get confused. See they judge the Masochist and cannot understand whey a lack of power is what they need. But in reality the Masochist is the one with all the power. The Masochist tells the Sadist how far to go. So when the torture begins the Masochist can be totally free. Without these boundaries all would be lost.
The Sadist always wish for that freedom. They trick themselves into thinking they are the free and careless ones and having the control is having the power. But its not. They just want freedom too. SO never pity the Masochist. They should be envied.
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