Just Call Me Linus

All my life I have gone thru it numb. Inside I felt like a puzzle piece that was lost. Always feeling like there was something that made me different from everyone else that I surrounded myself with.

I stifled this feeling with a blanket. A blanket that I have up until recently let go of.

I have come to realize this world is a scary, stressful, hateful place. I have never had to work so hard to find beautiful things since I gave up my blanket. It's depressing. Everyday.

It seems like life is in fast forward and I am in slow motion. I am grasping for the things that make me happy and that I consider beautiful, but they move by me so fast that I only get them for a few seconds before they slip out of my hold.

I miss my blanket. It was safe. It was a shield from reality I suppose. As unhealthy as that is. I miss it. Everyday.

I recently found a group of people that I seem to fit in with. For the first time in forever. I fit somewhere. I may not like all of them. I may not agree with what they have to say 100% of the time. But some of them, a few key people, have affected me tremendously. They show me their beautiful things and how they learned to appreciate life without their blankets. They said it was hard and they have been where I am. That one day I will be where they are.

Some of the people I look at and wonder how they had the courage to let go. What in the world inspired them to be free of their blanket and see the world for what it really was? They tell me that I will be there too. I just have to keep fitting in with them.

This world without my blanket, for lack of better words, sucks. It's cold, cruel and ugly. The beautiful things and moments are so sporadic that I find myself constantly questioning the worth.

I have always considered myself an optimistic person. Finding the silver lining in every cloud. But I can feel myself at a rapidly increasing rate, moving to the pessimistic side.

I guess without my blanket I have been reduced to a selfish, needy naïve person who never socially grew up, while the world grew up around me. I got left behind. I entered into your world, wide eyed and amazed. Childlike. It didn't take long for that to be violated. So no I am a bit bitter.

Most of my friends say that they couldn't understand how I could have been such a happy person with all the things that have happened in my lifetime. I am not saying my sob story is any sadder then the next persons. But despite abuse, rape and other things I managed to maintain a positive outlook, because I had my blanket.

Now granted because of the above referenced violations I did develop quirky little habits like my severe dislike for even numbers, my obsession with straight lines and spotless carpets. If you pin my arms down in a playful wrestling match I will flip out and cry and just don't touch my armpits. Sometimes when I get really upset or uncomfortable I count my fingers and yes I will admit I touch corners too. OCD MUCH. I know I know it's weird. But despite those I still managed to be a positive person, easily trusting everyone. I had my blanket.

Without it I see people for who they really are most times. But I still want to be that positive person that easily trusts everyone.

Just call me Linus. I miss my blanket!